


New Perspective

by exrthbound



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Blood, a little sad, introspective, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 11:52:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15412323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exrthbound/pseuds/exrthbound
Summary: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."





	New Perspective

**Author's Note:**

> This is short I'm sorry.

"Unfortunately, the only way to love someone is from a distance."

 

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Rain pelted down from outside the house, hitting the windows like large hail. Despite it only being three in the afternoon, the sky's dark clouds make it look much later. The gloom of the clouds had lasted hours now, the bird bath outside his neighbor's house was overflowing at this point turning the tightly compacted earth into mud that you can slip on easily. The sounds of birds chirping and insects buzzing died out long ago, the only sound being the impossible weather pattern of the rain. The odd house on the street was darkened even more than the sky outside, it's old paint peeling off it's walls and the inside lights all turned off. Inside the house, a male sat, keys tapping away on the laptop he had in front of him, his white hair falling front of his eyes every few minutes, making him pull it back. Eyes shifting from his laptop screen to his lit up phone screen, he unlocked it and pulled up the messaging app to text back.

[Smitty:] Did you get the coordinates? You probably don't want to be doing this, but we need to finish this mission.

[You:] Yeah, I got them don't worry, I'll email them to Evan now. 

[Smitty:] Great! Glad to see you're actually putting effort into some things now :)

[You:] Glad to see you're still a prick, I guess some things don't change huh? :)

[Smitty:] You still think about that? It was awhile ago John, can't you let it go?

[You:] No Smitty, I won't let it go, wasn't really the best time for you to do what you did but whatever, I'm gonna go, have fun on this mission.

[Smitty:] We can talk more later, bye John. 

 

Clicking the power button, he slid his phone away from him and sighed loudly, bending over to his bedside table and grabbing his vape, he took a drag and held it in his mouth for a few seconds before opening his lips a small amount, letting it smoke flow through his lips. Looking up at the cloud as he blew it out, he dragged his hand that wasn't holding the vape through it and watched as it slowly dissipated. Looking up at the ceiling, he thought about his relationship with the brown haired male. They were in a relationship at one point, when John was younger and dumber and fell for everyone who he thought was attractive, but they cut it off after one mission when Smitty said he thought the relationship was awkward feeling. 

When John was younger, his heart yearned for the affection of another male or female, someone who would acknowledge him as if he actually existed instead of stepping around him. Someone who he could hug, love, and give all his affection to, someone who could make him happy in general. The sinking feeling always overpowered the feeling of love through, the fears that no one would actually be able to love him, the fear someone would one day just give up and walk away. He felt as if he was floating in a void, looking around for something or someone to grasp onto to pull him out of the darkness, but instead he kept falling. However eventually he met Smitty, someone who talked to him as if he was actually his friend, someone who invited him to his house, and most importantly someone who wanted to be more than friends. He pulled him out of the void, showed him what it was like on the other side, somewhere where he saw a future and his actual happiness, but it was crushed, who knew such few words could hurt someone so much? He was pushed back into the darkness, after giving someone his full attention, care, and love, he was thrown to the side again. 

He, in all honestly was tired. Tired of being cast off, tired of being stuck as a pawn in the game of life, tired of being stuff on this insufferable planet, but at the same time he could never get himself to end it all. The knife he used to cut open packages was always in one of his drawers, shown to him every time he opened it, and of course he had wondered what it might be like to dragged across his pale skin, or stuck into the palm of his hand, where he knew he would suffer like he deserved, and be able to watch the red liquid flow out from. If he had to be honest he was afraid. Afraid if he would let anyone down by doing it, afraid to actually hurt himself because as much as he hates it here, he's not sure if he could fit anywhere else, like a puzzle piece that just can't fit where it's supposed to. It's clear he ran a gamble at life and ended up going bankrupt, now he was here, stuck being the hacker in a lowlife gang so he could scrape by paying for his bills and buying food every month. He was always being told by the people he'd meet at stores or bars that he didn't have enough experience in his life to give up on it yet, that he had so much more of it to live happily, that he'd find someone else, but he wasn't so sure.

He needed a solace, something to ground him, that's when he found vaping. Vaping was something simple that could calm his easily, something that didn't cost him hundreds of dollars a month, and he could do alone. His friends always said it was a bad habit, but he simply shrugged them off saying it was fine. He generally treasured the silence that came through his home, living alone had a few perks, but most were downsides, he had to pay more for bills, his house was always creepily quiet, but there were some perks too, like after coming home from a long day from work that silence is slightly comforting, or he only had to buy food for himself. The sad thoughts could shift through the silence better than the happier ones could, but he's gotten used to it. His parents have cut off ties with him, after figuring out his job, they said he was living a horrible life and he was embarrassing them, so they haven't talked to him in years. Rarely he gets a Christmas card or something from his family, but he'll just take the money out and throw them away.

Looking at the clock hanging on the wall, he figured out he had spent about two hours thinking about his pathetic life, he slid back to where his phone was laying on his bed, picking it up, he looked at the message on the screen. Throwing the vape back into his drawer, he shoved his phone and his pocket and tugged on some shoes. As much as thinking about his life was a pastime for him, he guesses that his friends values are more important then them.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sad, so I decided to write this. If you got to the end, thanks for supporting this fic. This story is more or less me pushing all my feelings about life onto some characters so I'm sorry it wasn't really centered on John and Smitty, I'll do some fluff to makeup for it later. Have a good day :D


End file.
